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DeSantis Blasts Other Forty-nine States for Making Florida Look Bad

DeSantis Blasts Other Forty-nine States for Making Florida Look Bad

TALLAHASSEE (The Borowitz Report)—In his most scathing assignment of blame to date, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis blasted the other forty-nine states for conspiring to make his own look bad. “Our COVID numbers wouldn’t seem so terrible if other states’ numbers weren’t better,” he said. “You don’t have to be a detective to figure out who stands to benefit from this ...

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Questions That New Parents Hate, Apparently

Questions That New Parents Hate, Apparently

So, when do they get interesting? Does the body grow, or will the head shrink? Has she learned any new tricks recently? What’s the next level she’ll unlock? Crawling? Texting? I can curse in front of it, right? Sorry, her. She’s not going to remember. And “fuck” isn’t really a swear word anymore, anyway. And it definitely won’t be by ...

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Herodotus’ Other Lies

Herodotus’ Other Lies

“Herodotus, the famed ancient Greek historian, lied about a pivotal battle between the Greeks and the Carthaginians, a new study finds.” —Live Science LIE: Cyrus the Great founded the Persian Empire.TRUTH: Cyrus the Great founded the Persian Empire Persian Rug Emporium, which had unbeatable prices and dozens of locations in all twenty provinces. LIE: Herodotus was exiled from Halicarnassus for ...

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New York State Weighs Ban on Male Governors

New York State Weighs Ban on Male Governors

ALBANY (The Borowitz Report)—Legislators in New York State are considering a bill that, if enacted into law, would ban males from serving as governor. The bill, which its sponsors are calling Eliot and Andrew’s Law, would bar males from the state’s top job for the next fifty years. “If, at the end of fifty years, we have reason to believe ...

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A Guide to Getting on an Airplane Again

If, like many of us, you haven’t been on an airplane in a while, you may need to refamiliarize yourself with the ins and outs of air travel. Here’s a handy guide for getting ready to take to the skies again. Booking Flights The best time to book your flight was two weeks ago. The second-best time is as soon ...

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